Mojo Interruptus

Sad, sad news. My back is out again. For most people this is not the end of the world. Sure it hurts, and it's damned inconvenient, but they are usually up and about again after a week or two. For me, it is catastrophic. This makes the fifth "episode" I've had since this whole trouble began 12 years ago. With sickening regularity these debilitating collapses of my back happen every four-five years, right around this time. Why? I have no idea. There are so many mysteries surrounding my condition that I don't even bother trying to answer that one.

It is always a very bitter pill to swallow when this happens. It is no small thing - when my back seizes up it doesn't let go for months, or even years. It completely changes my life in an instant. I become totally handicapped. Crippled in a horrible flash of pain - totally immobilized, and in great pain (the worst I've ever felt, including child birth) with the slightest movement. :(  It happens out of the blue, too, no warning. I'll be doing some normal thing like chopping some veggies, taking a shower, or simply leaning over, and the sacroiliac joint in my lower back fires up and sends out a TORTUROUS nerve-burning pain up my back, sending me into the fetal position on the floor, or if I'm lucky to the bed where I lie completely unable to turn, move, roll, or go to the bathroom. It's true hell.

During these times my world becomes totally small. It's like a pretty prison. My room - my bed - what I can see out the window - the bathroom. And with literally nothing to do. I can barely dress myself, let alone clean the house or cook anything, or walk the dog, or go anywhere.  It is a total psychological mind-f***.

Evidently nobody else can do anything about it either. The doctors don't know what's wrong with me, none of my MRI's show anything, nor the X-rays - injections don't help, PT hurts me, those "Tens" machines do nothing for me, support belts hurt me, acupuncture, shiatsu, rolfing, supplements, swimming, cupping, I've tried it all. I've read a LOT online, and I've diagnosed myself with "Sacro Illiac Joint Disorder". I'm pretty sure that's what I've got, and the only treatment I can find online for it is rest, ice, and medication. And so that's what I do.

I have had to cancel my New York trip, which makes the pill even more bitter this time. I can't let myself think too much about what I'm losing - it was going to be like a second honeymoon for Greg and I - not to mention accompanying my first novel to the Big Apple - or I'll just give in to depression, which won't help my back.

I do believe in trusting the universe. I do believe that we are going through what we are supposed to be going through, that there is a lesson in all of it.  I just wish I could learn it already, and move on. It's been 12 years of pain, for cryin' out loud - and probably four of those spent in bed. I'm only 50 years old, I'm very healthy otherwise, and I'm a new empty-nester - I am ready to rock!

But the universe is saying, "Hold on there, honey."

So - there I am. In a tough spot. I guess it's time to go small again. To dig deep, to notice the little things. I thought I had done enough of that over the last four years, but I guess not.

I sincerely apologize to all of you that have invited me to art shows, birthday parties, going away parties, concerts, happy hours and yard sales that I can't go to, at least right now. Believe me, I was so ready to mix and mingle and have fun with you all, after a long time of difficulties - but I guess that's not meant to be.

I can cry all I want about what I've lost, but I have to get a grip. Handicapped? So what? I can still be stylish, I can totally rock a cane! A cane is an amazing accessory actually, look at what Marlene D. did with it! And what about the incredible Iris Apfel?! She knew how to accessorize better than anyone ever did. Plus, a cane can be a handy weapon. It's a poker, a pusher, a puncher. Sure, a face-puncher, but also a button puncher - for elevators and such. Not to mention that if you do it right a cane can be downright COOL! There is a lot of swagger in a cane. Guess it's time I got my swagger on! Maybe I should wear one of Greg's suits too. Hot!!! 

Meanwhile, I have to actually do something creative, or I'll go crazy. So - my goal while I'm stuck? Write. Write, write, write. And make whatever art I can.

In closing, a kindly word to the wise: do appreciate your back. If you have a healthy back and a body that can move without pain - ENJOY IT. Don't hurt it, treat it well, and love your life. And, if you ever find yourself needing handicapped fashion tips - I've got you covered.

xoxoxox Diane 


Stephilius said…
Sooo sorry to hear this, Diane! I've been suffering through back and shoulder issues, myself, for months now. Clearly, it's not been anything like the rough ride you're now enduring. Still, I know a little about how painful and emotionally - maddening - this kind of thing can be, and I'm sending you all sorts of healing energy, endurance, and prayers that this passes quicker than expected. xo
Diane said…
Thank you dear Stephilius, I so appreciate your sympathy and good thoughts. And I'm so sorry you have to go through shoulder and back pain too, it's the shits, isn't it? Much love to you and Gigi, hope to see you somewhere fabulous and arty before too long. xoxox